My City Bleeds

Grief. Anger. Helplessness. Rage. Tears. Goosebumps. Numbness. I finally find the strength to think and write about it. Its been hours and hours of this and Bombay is still burning, no one knows when will there be an end to this nightmare. We have been glued to the TV switching from one news channel to another for about 40 hours now, not able to sleep, eat or tear our ears and eyes away. The images of people with haunted eyes, blood soaked streets; the images of places we love, places we go to - burning, flicker behind my eyes even as I try to nap. And I worry, worry, worry.

As the terrified yet relieved faces of those rescued are shown on TV every once in a while, I tremble in relief for them and in grief for the numerous who did not, would not make it. What the survivors have gone through and what they have seen is going to haunt them for their lives. Neither are we. The images of The Taj building going up in flames, the sounds of blasts and gunfire, the reports of bodies strewn about in the two hotels, the martyred soldiers are not something we are likely to forget in our lifetimes. So we do what we can, sitting in our living rooms, watching our city being defiled, we pray for those who were, still are caught up in this and for those who have walked in willingly to bring out the ones they consider their duty. We pray for those who have lost friends, family members to this wanton hate. I have no idea what consolation to give them.

Our policemen, armymen, the NSG, the naval commandos, the hotel staff, the Airforce troopers they all fill our screens and hearts, they give us hope in this hopeless hour. The brave of our country doing their jobs as if its not their lives too that are stake. I swing between despair at what has happened and a fierce pride in our people.

On 26th November night, as we hear the news after a cousin called to check on us, I hear the words 'The Taj' and then ... The Oberoi. S and I strain to get every bit of information, I feel guilty and selfish looking especially for every bit of news on The Oberoi, praying especially hard for it. And for the first time I understand what the families of our defence forces must go through. My close close friend's dad, a friend who is my person, her dad takes care of the security details at the Oberoi, determined to leave only when every last one who needs help has been helped, I feel the fear and pride of it all for the past many hours. In the initial 8-10 hours as there's no contact with him after he rushed to resume his duties, we, her friends, hold our own vigil and pray our separate prayers. I feel helpless and I feel ashamed of my emotional state as she and her mom put up a brave front for friends, even as the news of firing, blasts and fires at the Oberoi fill the news reports. And I feel something which no word in my vocabulary describes, as she tells me that she could never ask him to come back home to his own safety while people are still stranded, its not something he would ever do. My girl, I can only give my prayers , my heart tells me that such goodness and such spirit can come to no harm. Yet I don't know how to explain our cops dying in the line of duty, it does not seem like a world where you ccannot rust your heart or goodness or spirit but I cannot think of ANYTHING else which might be keeping us afloat.

I don't know about the spirit of the people etc., it all sounds like cliches and bytes that the news channels have been beaming for these eternal hours; I only know that if there are people who have the heart to open fire on people going about their business; there are also people who have the heart to walk in and stay till the so very bitter end to fight them and make sure that the damage they can do to us is minimum.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update: Her dad is ok and here's her story.

The head and the heart, they work together to protect us in their own conniving ways. When you come across happy, exciting stuff these two scheming b******s fill you with a hope that such things are within your reach and you can touch them, even have them for yourself. When you watch a romantic movie they let you feel that the magical stuff you saw exists and that keeps you going till you actually find it in your life OR (for some) till you settle for something resembling it. A friend shares an awesome experience with you and you get hopeful of having similar experiences in life; and so on.

The reverse, however, is not true. You see or hear about something bad that happened to someone and suddenly a sticky protective layer covers your thoughts and you never think that that could happen to you. You come across newspaper articles or email forwards that warn you against unknown dangers - how to recognize them, avert them, deal with them - you read them thinking it isn't for you, better still you forward them to others so that they can benefit from it. And when that something bad does happen to you, you are left bewildered because it just wasn't supposed to happen to you. Even more bewildering when those you sent all the forwards to DID do everything to prevent the disaster!

I think about this and may be its right that they (the head-heart duo) should so operate. The something bad comes along and you find the strength to handle it and to carry those around you who may not always have the strength; what is the point in that case to live in fear of every disaster? What is the point in worrying and living those horrible events even before they happen? You will anyway have no escape when they do. Why not keep living with the warm sunny feeling of the good days and the dreams and hopes of those still to come; why not let the fears lie hidden in those remote corners? Who knows if this is what keeps us going, if this is what keeps us afloat.