For Ser

Ser, my dear girl, it has kind of become the norm for me to be living parts of whatever is going on in your life with you. Its a norm I quite like. So it is no wonder that I have been thinking of all my house-shifting experiences as you go through yours. All 19 of them. 10 with the family (4 of them partial), 4 with the sis and 5 all on my own. Well don't gasp, I did say I was nomadic.

Like almost everything else in life since I was around 2 years old, I remember these also in vivid detail - the houses as well as the shifts. The weeks of sifting, discarding, discovering long-forgotten things, packing, labeling and the far too many goodbye lunches and dinners. The way a home suddenly just looked like a house on the mornings the stuff moved - stripped bare of the life and order. The way each of us would walk around the house slowly to see our private places, memorize some hidden stories or make the last dash to say goodbyes to friends (my mom has stories of me hugging a few trees and pillars). Leaving behind mornings, days and nights of your life that you had spent there - loving, laughing, fighting, growing, living.

I also remember and in brighter colors, is how different the energy and sound levels would be at the new house. The pace at which the same people, who were dragging their feet some time back, would rush about from room to room already visualizing how each place should look, what should go where, what needs to be done, who needs to be called in etc. As the big pieces would fit in and the kitchen would be set up, there would be a semblance of order again, with the numerous boxes to be unpacked in order of priority over days, at a more leisurely pace. Mostly as the day ended and all of us would sit down on the dinner table, it would be the beginning of a life in a new place and it would be the beginning of a new home. There was a strange enthusiasm and hope in that day.

The longest I lived in a house is 9 years and that was 15 years ago, I still dream of that place (a very 'last night I dreamt I went to Mandarlay again') and when I wake up in deep sleep my hand looks for the door latch at a level where it used to be in my room in that house. May be its also has to do with the fact that J went to boarding house from there and we've only spent long months of vacations at home over years. STILL, every home after that has its own precious stories and moments. Every home hurt as much to leave. From the teenager chaos of the Jaipur home and the crazy revelry of the Hudson Lines house near DU campus where J and I stayed with friends. Though I have to say that the home my dad built us in Jaipur about 10 years back (which is another post) has been an anchor through all the wandering and now with our home here in Bombay, I've known a kind of stability which is calming and (if you know me) distressing in turns.

So what I have to say to you is something I suspect you already know but it helps to hear it being said. The thing about moving is not just the pain of leaving behind a thousand memories, growing-up stories and a part of yourself with them; its also the hope of what is to come and what the new home can be. Its about the memories you are already creating as you buy a switch for this home and laugh at the silliness of expecting the newspaper, milk and cable connection to materialize on their own. Once you've shed your tears for the house you grew up in, it can only get easier. Or so they say.

Good? Bad? Ah, just mix it all!

There's no such thing as a bad thing. Or good. Its all just a messy, sticky bundle of both. It seems that every good thing in life leaves behind it a bit of sadness and vice versa. May be this is how it is supposed to be, to balance it out.

Amit is in India for his father's barsi, in fact he has been visiting every six months since the last year and I have been able to meet him more frequently than I have in all the years J and he have been gone ... which is SO good and would be really great, if not for the sad reason behind it. He reached Saturday night and was here till today morning, a good 36 hours including a Sunday so YAY, I had a really great time this weekend.

It started with Amit, S and I having a late dinner on Saturday and chatting till late, followed by a majorly lazy Sunday morning with much chatting, laughs, breakfast and some quarreling between S and me over who would get up from the sofa first to get ready. We had planned to have lunch at Lemon Grass and landed there only to realize that its shut down! I stop my many-a-week visits to Phoenix Mills and see what happens to the place! They should have begged me not to quit my job (I used to work nearby) and they would have remained in business! I digress ... we finally went to another favorite - Tamnak Thai at Shivaji Park and had a very tasty and very hot lunch which had all three of us shedding much water from the eyes. Somehow I have a history of senti, heart-to-heart chats over meals with Amit; a history which easily goes back a decade. So in keeping with the tradition we did have a serious chat, though not so senti this time. Hey, where's that bravery award for me?! :)

The evening was much fun with Abhinav, Amit, S and I taking the party to town for a long walk at Marine Drive, many cups of Tea at Tea Centre (and I am a not even a tea/coffee drinker!), a few breezy hours of laughing, arguing, pulling each other's leg and having a good time followed by more of the same over drinks at Woodside Inn, accompanied with even more passionate discussing. Ser directed us there after we peeped into Mondy's and Leopold and wanted away from the crowded noises and table hogging (Thanks Ser, loved the place! ). After so much mehnat, we rested our tired bones and had dinner at the Worli Copper Chimney, dropped Abhi and returned home with happy memories. Ha! It was one of those days when you feel saturated from having laughed, talked, eaten too much and from having had entirely too much fun.

Later at night, S and I were talking and said almost the same thing wistfully. If J and Amit lived near us, around us or just not-so-f*****g-far-away from us, we could have had more of this, it could have been more than an annual/bi-annual event in our lives. I slept with this thought and woke up with it on one my (least) favorite days off late - Ooh!Monday! (@#$%) After much moping around and having a summarily crappy day, I had a thought.

I'm seeing this as the bad in my good but may be this is the good in my bad. I have these people in my life, I have the kind of family a lot of people would kill for and I also have some really really wonderful friends - may be more than my fair share (touchwood, people!) - most people are not as lucky to have this much. May be this is my good and if that's the case, I would pay the price gladly. I would take all the crappy Mondays and all the pining and missing and reminscing that is out there, to have this 'good' and won't mope either.

Moving ahead

I have been away from my blog and my email account for the past few days ... checking them on my phone and not replying. After being glued to them day and night for the past many days I felt that I had to have something substantial to say in my next post. I just felt that I couldn't easily slip back to writing about trivial things in my life; that I couldn't suddenly be normal after everything that has happened. I should not have worried about it, all around me people who were affected have found ways to be and remain a part of this - whatever 'this' is. Overwhelmed is the emotion I have now, next to the grief and anger I talked about - the help and support that people have poured out in every way possible makes me feel like a part of a large whole, it makes me feel hopeful. I was afraid ... what if I got caught up in life and let 'this' die. I should not have worried.

All you guys, we didn't start this but we are going to keep this alive.

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Last Wednesday I went to Town, Town is what we like to call South Bombay. It was the longest drive ever - literally and figuratively. I had planned to meet a darling friend and her mum and also wanted to go to the peace march. A close friend didn't want me to go, his point was that there are other ways to help ... still on my way I had thought that I will go to Gateway, what he doesn't know can't hurt him (or me). There are things you need to do for yourself, this just seemed like one of them.

I was scared, I just wasn't sure how I would feel going back to the streets and places which for me are Bombay. I live in the suburbs in a very well-planned township which is cosmopolitan, has all the conveniences and joys which most parts of Bombay cannot afford like open spaces, parks, malls, movie halls, restaurants, nice looking buildings, minimum filth etc. - everything within a 5 min. walk radius. For living, this is the kind of place I would like to live in but this township could have been in any part of India. For me its the colonial structures, the oval maidan, the marine drive, the arched corridors at Fort, the painters at Kala Ghoda, the bustle at causeway ... these are what make it Bombay. The years that I have been here in this city, I have spent numerous days walking about and absorbing the feel of the place and they just keep me coming back. Even the book sellers who aren't there any more, Churchill, Jimmy Boy, NCPA, Rhythm House ... they all are such a part of this city for me that I was scared for what I will feel when I go back this time.

I did feel that heavy sadness which just settles on you, I felt the anger at the thought of these madmen roaming the streets of my city, I felt the sting of tears . But it was some other feeling that took over very soon. I saw the sea of humanity surging towards Gateway, I saw people of all ages, people from different walks of life, people with laptops and people with children, people in groups and people walking alone, people with banners, our flags - they filled the very streets where the terrorists had roamed less than a week back. With rumors still rife it may not have been the safest thing to have over 2 lakh people gather in a not so large space but it did not seem to matter. I was stuck in the traffic for almost two hours and even those who tried to walk it were a part of a pedestrian jam and never reached till Gateway, it hardly mattered though. I have to say that I have never seen or felt anything like it - that traffic snarl and that logistical nightmare was the nicest thing that happened to me after those days.

The movie Halla Bol has this dialogue which I completely love, Pankaj Kapoor (playing Siddhu) says ... Apne Jism pe chot lagne pe to janwar bhi rota hai, insaan wo hai to doosre ki chot mehsoos kar sake - Even an animal cries when there's a wound on its body, a human is one who can feel someone else's wounds.

Sometimes you just need to know that people are affected, that they will walk to a crowded Gateway to speak up - even if that's the only thing they do, that you live in a world where 'everything doesn't go'.

The Morning After

I just love the morning after. I mean, after the night I finish a book. It feels like waking up to a new world, each time.It feels like whatever world I was living in has come to an end, reached its culmination and when I wake up I have the chance to choose an entirely new one for myself. Padding to the stack of new, unread books ; picking them up, reading the back covers, inside panels; rolling them around my head; thinking about what had made me buy the book, deciding what it is that I feel like diving into and finally settling down to it. Its a completely amazing feeling. A feeling that no candy shop, dessert shop even shoe shop examples can describe. The joys that we live for :)

Conversation Starters - III

The incident with J that started this whole train of thought.

J goes to a friend's place to visit him, friend is not at home but his roommate is and asks J to hang around and wait for the friend. J decided to do this. While J hangs around a few of the roommate's friends are also around and a girl from this group , in order to be polite and open the conversation attempts a conversation which goes like this:

Friend's roommate's friend (FRF) to J : So ... how many times have you been to the jail?

J : (Splutters, has an utterly shocked expression on face, isn't sure she heard right etc.) Well ... like ... NEVER.

FRF to J : Wow! You never got caught?!

J : (Further shock, disbelief, hysterical laughter starting) Caught doing what?!!

FRF: Oh.

Ha haaaaa. Can you believe that?!!! What I really wonder is the kind of answers this woman is used to getting, which she didn't from J! And J, let us have a talk about you hanging around with shady roommates and I intend to be the elder one in this particular conversation.

Every time J tells this one, by this time in the story I am laughing so hard that I have no clue what happened next and how she got out of this one. Whatever happened next, don't you think this ones takes the cake ... being asked how many times you've been to jail! :D

There's another one ... a story related to me, I'm still deciding whether to tell or not :)


P.S. I do know how to count, thank you. CS-II is still saved as a draft and needs to be completed, I'll be posting it as soon as I find some time!

Converstaion Starters - I

When we come across or are introduced to people we haven't met before, what do we do? We or in some cases 'they' try to start the conversation, so there are plenty of opening lines all of us would have heard over the years, here are some I remember.

• The common ones, of course, are ... What do you do? Where are you from? Where do you live? What's your name? You live around here? You new around here? etc.
  
• Some are rather funny, like this one in a dessert shop, where pointing at what I'm eating this guy asks me 'is it any good?' It was, so I told him its better than it looks but he won't get to find out as I ate the last one! Ha! :)
  
• OR a friend of mine asking another friend of mine, with me being right there, 'how do you know this devilish woman?'
  
• There are those embarrassing ones where visiting aunts from long past pinch your cheeks and say ... 'she's the one who did this and this when she was young, isn't it?' and the worse , which I have been witness to but never been subjected to ... 'oh, how can I forget you, you are the one my chotu/nikku/bunty wanted to marry when he was in kindergarten!'
• How about the 'I've heard about you from so and so'!! In reply to which people end up saying silly things like 'i hope it wasn't all bad!' or 'Is that so!I will have to ask him/her what she's been saying about me'. I am very tempted to, just once, out of pure spite say ' I hope he/she didn't tell you what I think about you!' Ha ... would be fun!
  
• There are plenty of shopping related ones where either I have or someone around has given friendly invited and uninvited suggestions with merely a wrinkled nose, a thumbs up or an expression. One which I have been asked often exclusively by women in trial rooms and have NEVER asked random strangers is ... 'do you think this is making me look fat?' post which they wave me happy byes and say 'nice-to-meet-yous' and 'thank yous'.
  
• I'm sure there are plenty more and I may come back and add them. If you have any you could tell me and would add them too!

I have lots more to say on the topic so there's more to come. I will also post the hilarious incident J told me about which made me think all this.

I Believe I Can Fly

I have always been ambitious, never happy with just what's within reach. I need to try for the best available and if I do reach that its of course fantastic, but even if I don't I need to know that I gave it all I had. This may even be an extension of my obsession with doing everything to ensure that whenever I look back I should not have any regrets for what I did and didn't do in life. I have often gone to crazy lengths and insane actions to ensure this but hey, it works for me!

As a result, I have a lot of respect for people with a fire that drives them. What that simply means is that they are always striving for more. May not necessarily mean lofty aims or flashy achievements; just the desire to keep giving their best. It simply means not being afraid to put yourself out there and giving it a shot. Today I met Bablu Singh after a very long time and it was refreshing talking to him and recognizing that drive. Just makes me happy every time I come across it.

Bablu is a veggie vendor with a stall near my house. He would be about 22-24 years old, is always well dressed, speaks good Hindi, Marathi and English, is a charmer and hence a fantastic salesman. He would say friendly things in a fun manner which you know are a part of his charm yet make you like him for it. He keeps vanishing for months every once in a while. I hadn't seen him for many months now and today as I walked back from the DVD store I saw him grin at me, wave and run towards his stall inviting me for a chat and to buy stuff. I asked him where has he been and he launched into his story, just after he gave me his mobile number for veggie, fruit home deliveries and telling me that now that he's back its obvious that I will buy them from him :)

He went back to his village to prepare for and take his B.Sc first year exams, he has cleared them with good grades and even got an award of Rs.20 k from his college, which he deposited back as his fee for the next year! He went on to tell me that he spent about Rs.25k last year to put himself through tutions for Maths and English. Maths because he wasn't good at it and English because it lets him read and understand books which could help him further with Maths and also enables him to write his answers better; its anyway helpful to know English, he says. I congratulated him and said that it was worth the investment then and he replied,"Of course, paise to maine waapis jeet hi liye lekin dimaag to khul gaya na, ab aage ka raasta dekhna hai!" (Of course, I won back the money anyway but its about the widening of my mind, now I need to find my way ahead)

I have to agree with him, widening of your mind and the way ahead, what else is there to worry about?

This and That

S and I went to watch this movie - Loins of Punjab, over the weekend.

The movie: mindless entertainment, one time watch, has some funny moments. Amateurish at best. Its a good thing the movie is just 90 mins.

But I mention the movie outing here not for the movie but to tell you all about this family/group in the movie hall. The family has two mommies, two daddies and two little girls. Now what's special about this family is that the girls are around 2-3 years old (from what I can tell) and one of them is wearing those squeaky shoes kids wear.Movie, children wandering about in squeaky shoes - get the connection? What the hell!!!!What is wrong with people? By all means get your children to a movie and I am even OK with them walking about on the steps in the dark but SQUEAKY SHOES?Too much for me to handle.

So we watched the movie with the squeak squeak and in between calls by one of the mom's loud 'G!G?G?!GGG'. One of the girls is called Jia and the mom is trying to get her attention by calling her 'G', the little girl oblivious of her cool nickname is not paying the mom any attention. I am no expert on parenting but there are things you just know are stupid.

I only told S to kill me if I ever take our kids to a movie wearing squeaky shoes.

P.S: Oh, did I mention that both the mom's were wearing cocktail dresses to watch Loins of Punjab? I don't mean to be mean, but ... Lol!

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I have been having nightmares that my deep, dark fears are going to come true today and our cricket team is going to get beaten badly, shattering the beautiful cloud I have been keeping myself afloat on.

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I recently realised that I have had all women bosses in my four and a half year career. Six of them, so far. Women bosses just exist on two ends of the spectrum, they are either superb or they are nightmarish. There's no in-between. I have had an equal share of both. Not bad at all!
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I am re-reading one of my favorite poetry books - Gulzar's Pukhraj. Although I can recite most of the book, with page numbers, I am discovering that his poetry says different things to me every time I read it. And that I LOVE the Urdu vocab more than I think I did.
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Of various quotes from Shantaram that I like, this one is almost the favorite: "We trust people either because we see a lot of ourselves in them or because we see what we want to be like in them."