Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Unexpected , Unexpectedly

Some days you miss someone unexpected, unexpectedly. Its someone you weren't really expecting to miss and you wonder what was it that made you think of him or her to begin with. It might have been the sound of the rain and the way the street below looked in the yellow light. It could have been some song stuck in your head which just wouldn't come unglued. It might be a random swirl of wistfulness. It could be that this is how you felt when you came to know that person and feeling this way - lost and lonely for no reason; takes you back to that person.

It reminds me of discussions on topics I loved, conversations where what I said was understood - witty or emotional and how that brief exchange would make a small difference to my day. Its a useful memory , it makes me realize that for all the warmth of known relationships and the security of labeled emotions, there's something to be said about the undefined ones. Simple, undefined connections which neither defy nor threaten the usual definitions; they are just happy friendships which somehow managed to remain happy memories.

It starts a chain of thoughts which makes me miss other people in my life who in their small and big ways made me feel happy, understood and liked. It also makes me realize that I HAVE so many of them in this one life. I'm not sure anymore about why should it be so unexpected, its just the kind of people and kind of thing one should miss. Isn't it?

Purani Jeans

A few mornings ago, taking out a bag of old clothes to be sorted and donated turned out to be a different kind of cleaning than I thought it was going to be. When I unzipped that bag I was not looking to take down cobwebs from distant memories and wipe the dust off some windows way back in the past. That's exactly what I ended up doing. As I took out each layer of clothes, each new one revealed more landmark events in my life and in the ones entwined with mine. It was like a time capsule.

MICA interview, the first job interview, the first salwar suit - a blue one I got stitched for a birthday when I was in college, the t-shirt I was wearing when S and I first made out. A few of my and jijo's favorite ones. I don't remember doing it but clearly as I sorted out the clothes I didn't need (or fit) anymore and packed them away to be sent to Goonj; I kept keeping these few aside in this separate bag. Looking at them put me in a strange mood, part nostalgia and part melancholy. These scraps of memories made me think that even though I'm making new ones everyday there is a completely different and irreplaceable quality about these old ones. The clothes may be out of fashion now and may not fit anymore, the memories - they are always going to fit. They are from a time when I was really young, free and fearless; they remind me how it felt to be like that. Today the fearlessness and freedom are still very much there but they mean totally different things. Its a strange sense of loss, may be this is how it feels - to finally accept that you are a grown up and knowing that there's no way out of this one :)