There comes a time when you feel that your life is taking a turn which will be defining in many ways and at that time there are things you want to believe you HAVE been able to do. And strangely you want someone else to come and tell you that or you don’t really believe it. Moreover, this 'someone' needs to be someone who you know cares for you and still, will not lie to you just to spare your feelings.
All the people close to me have been answering my never-ending questions and doubts for some time, but this mail from an angel said all that I would have liked to hear. Thank you, A. You have no clue what this means to me.
I like your idea of "scare myself off by being with myself too much".
My guess is that after you finally get your much needed break, catch up on sleep, recover from back-aches and other ailments that our wonderfully productive life-style subjects us to, start writing your poems and blogs more often and begin to feel more settled into your "at my own pace" life style, the real question will hit you (probably on a sunny afternoon) : "Now what?"
I feel that there is a "normal" rhythm to life -- weekdays we do our job and weekend we recover from the stress of doing our job. Slightly more enterprising and productive folks find a moonlight/weekend life -- they are either social butterflies, or read the Sunday newspaper page-to-page, or go hiking, running, swimming, or have extended dinners with the extended family.
This rhythm requires us to make adjustments and compromises -- we give up some of things we wanted to do when we used to plan our lives; but it rewards us with money, social acceptance etc.--not to mention the vacations at really nice places.
But this rhythm can never be our whole self. We can only do it happily for a while. We constantly feel the need to step outside of it. There are several ways of doing it--make enough money and quit, make your passion financially rewarding as well, marry someone rich and the list goes on.
BUT the questions still remain:
What is it really that we want to do with our lives?
Is it a single thing or will it change as we change?
If we were to start doing what we enjoy the most or want to do the most, will it make us happy?
These questions are tough. I feel that after I finish my PhD, most of the questions that led me to do my PhD will still remain unanswered and that is a very scary thought.
But you have to step away. Now is your chance. You have shown me, S, J, your parents and the rest of the world, that you can survive and flourish -- you managed to handle the rough world of undergraduate education, cleared nasty MBA entrance exams, finished your MBA and got a job, fell in love and got married, are a good wife, daughter, sister, friend and great at your job.
So, survive and flourish you can, but I guess you want to live and thrive.
So, sweetheart, please do not be scared and anxious
First you should rest and recover. So that when "Now what?" hits you, you are ready;)